Only You
by I Am For Never
Summary: Len and Gumi. They're the perfect couple, of course. That's what everyone thinks. Well, almost everyone. No one ever cares what Rin thinks, do they? Now they won't have to. *Warning: Depression/self harm triggers*
1. Chapter 1

**So, this is gonna be a bit on the darker/triggering side, kay? Just thought I should let you know. That (and language) is really the only reason that it's M rated. (also, this is completely fictional, if you're going through this or know someone going through this I can place some of the hotline numbers for different places in the next chapter.) There also might be a few triggering aspects of this story, so that you're aware. Well, enjoy if you can... (it's short, but I'm about to write another chapter, and well, I had to stop off somewhere, right?)**

I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was as if I could run forever and I wouldn't be able to get far enough away from them. _My own brother_! It was starting to get harder for me to breathe. I stopped running and leaned against a railing that was standing in someone's front yard.

Len could've picked _any_ girl in the school and he picked Gumi. When he first told me I didn't believe it. _Him_ date _Gumi_!? He knew that I had been crushing on her for a year. They didn't even like each other. At least, that's what I had thought before...

I could feel myself vomiting on the ground. _Shit._ I hoped that whoever lived here wouldn't really care. _Sure Rin, because I bet everyone just_ loves _to have vomit on their sidewalk._ Yeah, who was I kidding? Not that this would really matter. In just a few minutes, it would all be okay. I just needed to focus on getting home.

"Rin! Oh my God, Rin! What happened?" My head was hurting so much that it was hard to make out who was talking to me. Whoever it was, they started to crouch in front of me and started alternating from looking at my face and the mess I created on the sidewalk.

"Hey, Rin. Are you okay?" Once my head stopped pounding and I pulled myself together, I could tell that it was IA talking to me.

"Oh. Uh, yeah, I'm fine, IA." I whispered, my throat sore.

"Well, I'll try to get you cleaned up then Rinny. Wait here, okay?" She said before going back inside her house. _How could I have forgotten that this was her house? Oh well, at least she isn't mad at me._

After a few minutes, and a lot of face wipes, we were finally done.

"You're really okay?" IA looked at me with concern.

"Yeah, of course! We already checked and I don't have a fever, remember?" I said, adding in a smile to fake that I was alright.

"Rin... I don't mean if you're sick or not. It's just, you've stopped talking to Gumi and now... well she was your best friend. Better than me, if I admit it. Is everything really alright?"

"Yes, IA. I'm really okay." I smiled a bit once more, trying hard to sell my lie.

It took every ounce of strength in my body to not break completely free when IA finally took her hand off my shoulder. Once she finally went back through her front door and stopped looking out at me, I ran. I ran more than I ever ran before. I had to get home. I really _had_ to. I _had_ to get away from everyone, because _nobody understands and they never will_. That's what I told myself as I ran into the vocaloid mansion.

It suddenly dawned on me that the last time I would ever see Gumi was this morning. She had been trying to say hi to me, well, before Len grabbed her hand and pulled her away from my locker. Gumi was the only one that mattered, and I would never see her again. Not that she needed me anymore. Len would take care of her. Len's good at doing that when he wants to. And if they love each other, they don't need me.

I walked into my bedroom, at last. _Hmm. I could at least take a shower, right?_ It doesn't hurt to at least look pretty before you.. well... die.

For some reason, I kept thinking about Gumi. About how pretty she is. And smart. And kind. Maybe the fact that I was thinking about her was what made her call my phone as soon as I got out of the bathroom. No, I don't believe in that. Or fate. It was pure chance.


	2. Chapter 2

***Personal note* I've been on both sides of this situation before. They both suck. I don't want Rin to die, but I feel like it's more plausible. Idk. We'll see what happens. (Side note: So I'm listening to** ** _Self-Inflicted Achromatic_** **and it's the ending and like... I'm just so mad, cause, like, that doesn't actually** happen **in real life... Sorry.)**

 **National Suicide Prevention Hotline for the United States: 1-800-273-8255 (If there's anymore requests for which hotline to write down just let me know, but I'll at least put this one.)**

"Rin! Omg, Rin! You'll never believe it!" I could hear Gumi's excitement. At least she was happy. I glanced at the bread knife on the table. No, not yet. I will listen to Gumi. _Don't let her know what a monster you are._

"What?" I tried to sound as enthusiastic as possible. My voice cracked slightly. _God, please don't let her notice._

"Len. Gave. Me. A. Ring. It's freaking beautiful! You _have_ to come over and see it." Good, at least she didn't hear.

"What? Are you two _engaged_ or something?" I tried to sound as not jealous as possible. It wasn't very easy.

"Haha, no silly. Please come over, Rinny. We never hang out anymore. _Please._ " Gumi really did sound desperate.

 _No, Rin. I can't believe you almost said_ yes! _She doesn't want to hang out with you. She's just being nice. Something you'll never be. You're shit and she's amazing. I'm surprised she hasn't found a better best friend than you by now. You know, she shouldn't even_ have _to talk to you right now, maybe you should just go ahead and-_

"Sorry, Gumi. I'm busy today. But, um. I was going to ask you something..."

 _This is it. The winning answer. It'll make or break_ everything. _Come on, Rin, don't be a baby. Who am I kidding, you always are!_

 _SHUT UP! WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS BE SO_ MEAN _TO ME!?_

 _Because. You deserve it. The world will be better once you're gone. I'm only doing my job to help the Earth. It's not like_ you _ever will._

"Um, will you go to the dance with me on Friday? With IA of course, I mean." _Don't. Let. Her. Hear._

"Rinny... are you crying?"

"No. Uh, just, um. Please just give me an answer..." I said, wiping hot tears off my cheeks. _How could I be so stupid as to cry? Shit. Shit. Shit._

"Oh... Uh, well, Rin... I mean, I don't know. It's just that-"

"Okay right, yeah. Sorry for bothering you. Bye." I hung up before she could say anything else.

As soon as my screen went black, my cell phone lit back up again.

 _IA: Are you OK 4 real?_

So annoying. I bet stupid Gumi told her. They're probably better friends than before now. I'm just getting in the way.

 _Rin: Ya, I'm fine._

I'm not blind. I see Gumi, IA and Len laughing and talking in the hallways every day. They don't even see me. No one laughs like that with me anymore.

That's... the last thing I'll _ever_ say to her. Not that that's really important. It's everything leading up to it that matters.

I looked back over to the kitchen counter. I had already wrote a note, it was laying on my pillow in my room. So... all that's left now is...

 _Rin! Don't do it! Do know how sad your brother and all your friends will be? Listen to me for once!_

I'm not exactly sure what happened next, but it was definitely something. When I became aware of my surroundings I was sitting on the tile floor, (now bloody) knife on the floor and well, I won't go into detail but you get the point...

Which is probably why I didn't notice IA hovering over me. I had never seen a look of horror so bright before in my life.

I couldn't talk to her, not now. Fortunately, I wouldn't have to since my vision was blurring and I fell unconscious.


	3. This Is A Friendly Note

**(This is not a real chapter, I just need to put it in.) So, I found this website when looking for the hotlines and I felt it necessary to put in a bit of what they said. { /lifeline/suicide-prevention/} You'll have to copy and paste the link if you want the whole website. Technically the website is about Japan, but these things can be applied to others too.**

How to tell if you or a family member needs help

Are you worried someone you know may be thinking about killing themselves? Have you noticed changes in their behavior? Perhaps you are not sure if they are joking, or want attention, or if something else is going on?

Look for these warning signs and learn how you can make a difference. The more signs you see, the greater the risk.

Warning signs someone may be thinking of suicide

Talking about wanting to die.

Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.

Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.

Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.

Talking about being a burden to others.

Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.

Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.

Sleeping too little or too much.

Withdrawn or feeling isolated.

Signs of depression, such as moodiness, hopelessness, withdrawal

Hinting at not being around in the future or saying good-bye

Additional Warning Signs

Preoccupation with death.

Suddenly happier, calmer.

Loss of interest in things one cares about.

Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.

Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.

Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.

Displaying extreme mood swings.

They may be so desperate they might say something like…

 _If I wasn't around no one would miss me_

 _All of my problems will end soon_

 _I won't be a problem for you much longer_

 _Nothing matters; it's no use_

 _I won't see you again_

Risk Factors

Many different situations and experiences can lead someone to consider suicide. Below are some of the known risk factors for suicide:

Major psychiatric disorders – depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, eating disorders.

Alcohol and other substance use disorders.

A history of trauma, sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

Previous suicide attempt or self-harming behaviors.

Family history of suicide.

Hopelessness.

A recent death or suicide of a friend or family member.

Loss – deaths; exposure to suicide; job; marriage, other partner relationships including youths, fight with parents.

News reports of other suicides by young people in the same school or community.

Impulsive and/or aggressive tendencies.

Role failure or perceived role failure – job, family, school

Imprisonment or impending imprisonment – other legal sanctions that may have serious effect on self-image

Chronic disease / Intense pain with little hope of relief

Chronic sleep disturbance with or without nightmares

Access to lethal means

Lack of social support and sense of isolation

Stigma associated with help-seeking behavior

Protective Factors

Easy access to a variety of clinical interventions and support for help.

Restricted access to highly lethal means of suicide.

Strong connections to family and community support.

Support through ongoing medical and mental health care relationships.

Cultural and religious beliefs that discourage suicide and support self-preservation.

Opportunities to contribute/participate in school and/or in the community.

Existence of prevention/education

Anti-bullying programs.

LGBTQ support groups.

What do I do if someone talks about suicide?

If you suspect someone may be feeling suicidal or struggling to cope, ask them – it could save their life. Suicide prevention depends heavily on our ability to recognize people who are in distress and may be at risk.

If you think they are in immediate danger please call the ambulance on 119 or police 110 – emergency numbers.

How you can help

It takes an act of courage and compassion to reach out to a depressed or suicidal person.

Listen and show you care. Here are some listening tips:

Find a private place and let the person take as much time as they need.

You can start by telling the person you have noticed a change in their behavior.

Take them seriously and listen without judgment—their feelings are very real.

Keep your word—don't make promise you can't keep or don't intend to keep.

Tell them they are important and that you care about them.

Ask directly if they are thinking about suicide

It won't put the thought in their head if it wasn't there before, but it can be a big relief for them to be able to say, "Yes, I am" and acknowledge they need help.

Don't be afraid to ask the direct question and use clear language – are they suicidal?

" _You seem really low and I'm worried about you. Are you thinking of ending your life?_ "

" _Are you feeling so bad that you are thinking about suicide?"_.

Take it seriously

You may be tempted to believe it is just talk, an accident or attention-seeking. However, you have to believe there is a serious risk of death and accept they needs help to stay safe. Don't act shocked. This will put distance between you.

Encourage them to get help and support them to do so

Anyone can feel suicidal, but the feeling doesn't last forever. Getting help for someone who is feeling suicidal can save their life.

Discuss together what action to take.

Never promise secrecy. Dealing with suicide can be difficult and you can't do it alone.

If they are a young person get other adults involved.

If they are a family member get other family members involved. The more people involved the greater the safety.

Encourage the person to get help from a local health professional such as a doctor, counselor and let them know about the TELL Lifeline.

You may need the help of others (partners, parents, close friends or someone else) to persuade the person to get professional help. Only by sharing this information can you make sure the person gets the help and support they need

If they already see a doctor or other mental health provider, it's important that they tell them about any thoughts of suicide they may have been having.

Ask them to postpone the decision/create a toolkit

While they may feel like they have to act now, it's worth encouraging them to postpone that decision.

They can keep a list of other things they can do to distract themselves and might find that their suicidal thoughts go away over time.

They can make a list of people they can reach out to for support.

Right now

If the person has an immediate suicide plan and means to carry it out, do not leave them alone. Get help immediately by phoning the police on 110 or the ambulance on 119.

Check out their safety

Ask how much thought the person has put into taking their own life. How long have they been feeling this way?

Do they have a plan? Have they tried before?

Remove any means of suicide available including weapons, medications, alcohol and other drugs, even access to a car.

Look after yourself

It can be emotionally draining to support someone who is suicidal; don't do it on your own. Find someone to talk to: friends, family or the TELL Lifeline.

Stay involved

Thoughts of suicide do not disappear easily. The continuing involvement of family and friends is very important to the person's recovery.

What _NOT_ To Do

Don't try to cheer the person up, or tell them to snap out of it.

Don't challenge or dare.

Don't assume the situation will take care of itself.

Don't argue or debate moral issues.

Don't act shocked or surprised at what the person says.

Don't be sworn to secrecy.

Don't risk your personal safety.

Useful links

Links for more information on helping people who have suicidal thoughts

 **GetHelp/Someone**

 **/helping-the-suicidal**

 **i-am/worried-about-someone**

 **mental/suicide_**

 **.**

 **.**

 **health/suicide/MH00058 2013/04/12/if-you-suspect/# .dpuf**

 **If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide | Speaking of Suicide**


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